procrastination and endorphins.

i'm sitting in a coffeeshop, trying to read gayatri spivak's "can the subaltern speak?" and it's just not happening. not only have i littered the margins of my photocopied essay with mini-question marks, but i still have no idea whether or not the subaltern can speak after all. come to think of it, i don't even know who the subaltern are!

for instance, i just read the deleuze and guattari line, "Desire does not lack anything; it does not lack its object. It is, rather, the subject that is lacking in desire, or desire that lacks a fixed subject; there is no fixed subject except by repression." what the hell does that mean? if you think you know, please don't hesitate to tell me.

still, the impenetrability of this 40+ page essay just isn't getting me down. i completed a four hour plus run today and the endorphins dancing through my body (okay, nothing much is dancing in my legs at this point!) are rendering me impervious to this academic pain.

recall, too, that i'm planning to run the ice age trail 50 miler this spring for precisely this same reason. long runs, it turns out, are my medicine: the only antidote to the pain that is preliminary exams. i figure the only way i can possibly make it through the 200 some books and essays on my PhD exam lists will be to temper all of that intellectual nonsense with some good, clean running - rather, good, dirty running. let's hope it works!

for now, it's back to desire.

20 + 10

i made it! 20 miles yesterday and 10 this morning. by the end of 20 yesterday i felt like i couldn't run another step. that seemed like a problem. but my 10 miles this morning felt great! (well, except for dodging the stupid CARA training groups running their fully supported 2o miler this morning). i've been worried that i'm nowhere near the shape i was in for the madison marathon but maybe my body is finally catching up! one can only hope. because it sure does feel good to run long.

housekeeping.

guess what? non-members can post comments now. that means you, d.!!!!!!

respecting my limits.

after weeks of no sleep, crap food, extra beer, and LOTS of miles, my body gave out.

i awoke friday morning with the cold to end all colds - painful sinuses, running nose, headache, fever, sore throat, chesty cough, you name it. it was bad enough that i still have it. for some reason, i've been under the impression that my body is able to do astonishing things and that, therefore, i don't need to take the same care of it that other mortals do.

ha!

i've learned my lesson. my body has spoken and i have heeded its call. i've been doing nothing but sleeping, drinking water and juice, and sleeping some more. with some extra self-love, i was still able to get in my back to back 18 and 10 mile runs this weekend (okay, run/walks) and i'm going to slow dance my way through 4, 6, and 8 this mid-week. with the extra sleep i've been getting and the real food i've been eating, i'm hoping i can make it through the 20-10 i have planned this weekend. we shall see!

but at least i'm starting to respect this ordeal that i put my body through on a regular basis. and i'm willing to accept that my body does have its limits. and as sutherland/bowerman explained, "Be thankful for your limits, Pre, they're about as limitless as they get in this life."

the middle road.

i was back in iowa city this week due to forces beyond my control. still, it was a delight to see r., drink crappy beer at george's, and run 16 miles saturday on the iowa river corridor trail and through city park, and then 10 miles sunday out to the lower finkbine trail. i loved every minute of it except that my pesky little tumor and my lack of hill running were kicking my ass come monday. my legs are DEAD. well, they *were* dead. after three days of power walking, my legs seem to be coming back to me. still, my shins, calves, and ankles are a bit testy.

anyway, i'm starting to love wandering around outside for hours on end. i'm not running fast; i'm not racing; but i'm still running. throughout my life, i've frequently done things perfectly or not at all. as i told b. earlier this evening, i'm trying to learn to be a bit more mediocre. does that sound crazy? yes. but somewhere between obsessively fantastic and stubbornly apathetic lies the middle road.